Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.