Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.