Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

🤣🤣🤣

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it