Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

I only eat vegetarians.

why does this building look like a guilty dog

🤨

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

The real reason evolution started..😂

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Donkey Kong sommelier

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast