Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Danger is very dangerous

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

My hips? Compulsive liars.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”