Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

A woman drives into a bar.

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.