Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

adam and eve had first world problems

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Well, that should do it

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?