[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.