Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

The Backseat Boys

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

me in a relationship:

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.