Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

me after drinking all the wine:

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ