[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You Might Also Like
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
just pretend nothing happened
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
new year update: losing everything but weight
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.