[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”


My parents: *before my wife and I had kids* Hey. When are you having kids? When are you having kids? Whenareyouhavingkids? WHENAREYOUHAVINGKIDS?!?!?

*Fast forward*

My parents: *after I lightly complain that my kids don’t sleep well* Well you’re the ones who wanted kids.


I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.


If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I’ll never been seen alive again.


Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*


[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT


“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.