Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Icarus loved hot wings.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full