[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t