Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Look at this
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Damn he played himself
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
