Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
screw you
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
