Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets