Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.