Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?