Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

“That’s what” – She

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

dogs can find happiness so easily

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.