Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

X-tra spooky blend

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”