[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
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My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together