Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?