Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.