Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Dance like you’re not the father

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

i like to flex on them by shrugging