How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
LMAOOOOO WHO TWEETED THIS?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Husband: Are you sure?
Husband, sweating: ok
If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’