@capnwatsisname

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

You Might Also Like

@TheWeirdWorld

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

@3sunzzz

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

@robfromonline

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

@Parkerlawyer

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

@TheMichaelRock

If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

@Horrorsc0pes

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.