[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I falcon love using swear birds
an octopus is just a wet spider
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce