Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

ㅤㅤ

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”