Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.