Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Danger is very dangerous

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.