Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Liquor Store Parking

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security