Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Tuesday
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list