Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

🥃

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

You sure about that?

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.