Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Aaaa…CHOO!
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.