Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
crazy
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware