Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
You Might Also Like
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
weird email i got today
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Extremely relatable.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?