Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
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[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Raisins are grape jerky.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there