Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Story of my life…..

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.