Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

No flush

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Thinking about a snail with a limp

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.