Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money