doing some research
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.