doing some research
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen