doing some research
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Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
My current situation
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
