Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Always a metermaid never a meter

grandparents are too precious for this world

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.