Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove