Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.
Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
College: lol ikr?
My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.