@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

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@dannyboy7813

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

@SkippyMcGizzard

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

@Roweboat13G

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

@Schgot89

I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.

@captainkalvis

Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*

@samcorb

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.