Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
