Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
ACED my prostate exam!
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Whoa 😂
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka