Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.