Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.