Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”