(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Limited budget
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
