(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
the clam before the storm
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
