Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love