Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence