Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
You Might Also Like
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I love it
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…