Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites