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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple