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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
It will always be this
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.