You Might Also Like
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods