Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]