“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye