“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”