Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)