Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?