Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
A roof is a house hat.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.