Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You Might Also Like
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.