Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
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centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
