Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
blocked.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.