Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like