Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

I’m good, thanks.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

marvel comics have peaked

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me: