Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.