Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.