doing your own taxes
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break