doing your own taxes
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?