doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.