Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

What

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough