doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
What an awful time to have common sense.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.