Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.