Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

this is 10/10 content no notes

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

love it when they get my name right

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper