Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Kids: Stay in school.
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
What number SPF blocks people?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]