Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening twitter today

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.