Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

thank god

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*